When Leadership Costs You Yourself: The Truth About Stress, Silence & Showing Up
- Trever Sparrow
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 2 hours ago
There’s a version of leadership we’ve been sold—one where staying quiet is noble, keeping the peace is brave, and self-sacrifice is just part of the job.
For a long time, I bought into it.
I stayed silent to keep things “calm.”
I avoided conflict because I didn’t want to seem dramatic.
I held space for everyone else, even when I had none left for myself.
I thought that’s what made me strong.
But what I’ve come to understand is this:
It wasn’t strength. It was survival. And it was slowly hollowing me out.
I was disappearing behind a smile, behind responsibility, behind the uniform and the “I’ve got this” that everyone around me wanted to believe.
And the worst part? I felt completely alone in it.
Like no one saw how heavy it really was.
Like I was the only one carrying the weight of an entire system while pretending I was fine.
We Don’t Talk About This Enough
In trauma-exposed professions like Emergency Services, (or our friends in healthcare and social work to name a few more), avoidance becomes a coping strategy.
We avoid what’s hard because there’s no time to fall apart.
We avoid discomfort because we’re already overwhelmed.
We avoid our own truth because somewhere along the line, we were taught to lead with our heads and not our hearts.
And because of that, we end up avoiding:
The conversations that need to happen
The changes we know are necessary
The emotions we were never taught how to hold
All of that silence? It doesn’t disappear.
It shows up in stress, burnout, disconnection, resentment, and deep internal misalignment.
Guess where else it shows up?
According to two of my favorite experts and authors in this realm: Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) and Dr. Gabor Maté (The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture), unprocessed stress and trauma doesn’t just live in our minds—it lives in our bodies.
When we suppress our truth, override our needs, and keep pushing forward in a dysregulated state, it shows up physically: in chronic illness, fatigue, anxiety, inflammation, and emotional shutdown. Our bodies carry what we don't have the space or safety to process.
Leadership that ignores the body isn't sustainable. Eventually, it all catches up.
This erosion of self happens slowly, quietly, almost imperceptibly at first. Until you realize you’re no longer the same. You’re running on fumes. You’re surviving, not leading. And most painful of all—you can’t remember the last time you felt like you.
When Leadership Costs You Yourself
I’ve worked with leaders who are brilliant, committed, and quietly unraveling behind the scenes. Not because they’re not capable—but because the model they’ve been given is unsustainable.
They feel like they’re walking on eggshells. They’re exhausted from keeping up appearances. They want to create positive change, but they’re not sure how to do it without blowing everything up.
Underneath it all, they miss themselves.
That inner voice—the one that knows when something’s off.
The one that used to have a vision, a fire, a dream.
The one that’s been buried under chronic stress, organizational dysfunction, and years of “just keep going.”
And for a long time, I was one of them.
Finding My Way Back to My Voice
The turning point for me wasn’t a single moment.
It was more like a slow unraveling.
A realization that this way wasn’t working—not in my life, not in my relationships, and definitely not in leadership.
From that unraveling came clarity.
That voice I’d quieted—the one that asked hard questions, that craved change, that wanted something more aligned and true?
That voice is leadership. That voice is the shift—the one that didn’t lead me back to who I was, but forward to the version of me I hadn’t met yet—the one who would never abandon herself again.
You Don’t Have to Lead Like This
If you’re reading this and quietly nodding, I want you to know something:
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not too sensitive.
You’re not the problem.
You’re just tired of leading in ways that cost you your health, your joy, your sense of self.
You’re ready for a different way.
So where do you begin?
Here’s one small but powerful first step: Start by noticing the places where you’ve been staying quiet—and ask yourself why.
Is it fear of conflict or the consequences of addressing it?
Is it the belief that your needs don’t matter as much as those you lead or love?
Is it just that you’re too exhausted to even go there?
These are sacred questions. Let them guide you back to yourself.
And if you’d like a simple tool to support you in this process, I created a free reflection guide:
No pressure. No pitch. Just a starting point if you’re ready for one.
Because your voice matters.
Your well-being matters.
And leadership should never cost you you.
One Last Thing…
I see you.
You are not too much. You are not behind. You are not broken.
You are a brave soul in a system that wasn’t built for your humanity—and you’re still here.
So please, put yourself on the priority list.
Your leadership, your impact, and your well-being are worth it.
The world needs the most regulated, aligned, and fully alive version of you.
And that starts with hearing your voice again.
With heart,
Cindy 💛
Trauma-Informed Leadership Strategist | M.A. Leadership
I help leaders and teams in trauma-exposed professions reclaim their voice, power, and purpose—without burning out.
I’m not here to perform. I’m here to transform.